To my baby, on her fourth birthday.

I cannot believe you are four. (Do all moms say this on every birthday that each child will ever celebrate? Probably so.)
You and me - we've had our ups and downs. You have been the guinea pig in this whole experiment called motherhood I am in. Your fevers have been the ones I have agonized over - to call the doc and look like a lunatic, or not call him and have you die of some unheard of disease? You were the one who had to endure hundreds of different kinds and sizes and brands of diapers till we found one that worked! You are the one who has brought me to the very core of my being searching for the strength to get through the next day{hour-ten minutes - thirty seconds}...
You are the one who first spoke the words "i love you momma" to me, and with those four words brought me instantly to my knees in tears. You are the first human being I have ever taught correct toilet habits to. Or the english language to from scratch.
Yours is the cry - laugh-voice-hair I can pick out over any crowd - from almost any distance.
You were the first person to instill a deep sense of terror the first time I could not find you after you wandered away from me in the store.
{And you better not EVER tell her this, but you are the reason I suddenly understood Memaw's seemingly irrational fear of the fifteen foot height of the second level of the mall when you went to look over the railing. My whole life I never understood how such a small distance could create such a fear. Now I do.}
I feel like we have reached a milestone this year, without me truly even thinking about it.
Today you became my little girl, no longer my baby.
This year you will perform in a ballet recital, swim by yourself, play with the neighborhood kids in someone else's back yard till the sun sets lazily on those long summer nites.
This year I will buy you a special backpack and a shiny new outfit (or five) and send you off to preschool.
You will come home excited to show me all the amazing wonderful things you are learning in school, from your teacher, from your new friends.
and I will be happy for you - oh so happy my baby girl. You will be growing up and getting even more of a taste of this wonderful thing called life. I know you will live it out loud. You have been since almost this exact moment, on this exact nite, four years ago, in a little white room, in a circular hospital tower room.
I was in a place beyond pain. My eyes were clenched shut(I remember this cause I never knew why they turned all the lights off - figured it out once I watched the video later). Your daddy was on my side whispering encouragement to me, just sharing his gentle strength with me. But I knew I had to leave that place and go beyond myself to reach out and take hold of you and push you from me, and into this world. Part of me wanted to keep you tucked inside me forever - my baby - forever protected from anything bad. Always next to me. Always mine.
But that isn't love.
Love is letting go. Letting you make your own choices.
So from a place deep deep inside me - You were born. We did not know you would be our baby girl. I didn't even really realize you had been born - so relieved was I from the pressure of pushing you out that I didn't realize what the relief meant.
I finally opened my eyes and there you were on my chest. This tiny little scrawny wet little birdlike creature. And you weren't crying. You opened your big huge eyes and looked right into mine - and I said - "hi baby, I'm your mommy, and I love you so much. I am so glad you are here."
And it was just our moment. It forever will be.
The nurses started clamoring - what did you have what is it? Look!!!!
And I am sorry to say - I had no idea what I was looking at. My first thoughts were oh no we are having one of those babies that end up on Dr. Phil hating their parents for making the wrong decision. I started sobbing. They all shouted - its a GIRL!!!!
and I looked at your daddy and he was sobbing and we were both so happy to have you - our Kealey Grace-Elisabeth.
Your name means God's promise of a beautiful gift.
We knew it fit you perfectly the moment you were born.
Some days have been more like white elephant gifts - where you want to trade up with the person holding the quiet baby, or the baby who went by the books. But those days are all worth it now - looking at the absolutely sweet, precious, fun, silly little girl you have become.
You are my beautiful gift from God, baby girl.
This is going to be a fun year, I promise you.
I cannot wait for all the memories we will make this year, all the fun things we will learn and do together.
You make me smile and laugh EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I love you forever.
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
my baby you'll be.
(from your favorite nigh-nigh book)